
#396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love
Lex Fridman PodcastSun Sep 17 2023
Love and Relationships:
- James Sexton believes that disconnection is the most common reason marriages fail.
- He emphasizes the importance of understanding what causes disconnection in a relationship.
- He encourages introspection to identify when disconnection began and how it evolved.
- Sexton highlights the need for open and honest communication in relationships.
- He suggests that couples should be willing to expose their vulnerabilities to each other.
- Sexton believes that couples should appreciate and remember the good times in their relationship, even if it ends in tragedy or drama.
Betrayal and Infidelity:
- Sexton acknowledges the hurt and anger caused by betrayal, but also encourages forgiveness and appreciation of the positive moments shared in a relationship.
- He questions whether infidelity indicates deeper issues within the relationship itself.
- Sexton believes that infidelity often occurs when there are unmet needs or disconnect between partners.
Choosing Vulnerability:
- Sexton compares vulnerability in relationships to the practice of jiu-jitsu, where creating vulnerabilities leads to progress and growth.
- He argues that being vulnerable allows for genuine connection with a partner.
- Sexton advises against hiding parts of oneself from a partner, as it prevents experiencing true love and intimacy.
Remembering the Good Times:
- Sexton urges individuals to choose how they remember past relationships, focusing on the positive moments rather than dwelling on negative experiences.
- He mentions that memory can sometimes highlight negative aspects, but actively choosing to remember joyful moments can lead to more positive perspectives on past relationships.
Appreciating Life's Absurdity:
- Sexton finds humor in life's absurdities, including love and sex.
- He suggests laughing at oneself and not taking life too seriously, especially when it comes to romantic relationships.
Jujitsu Metaphor:
- Sexton uses a jujitsu metaphor to explain the importance of vulnerability and creating opportunities in relationships.
- He compares giving something to get something in relationships to making moves in jujitsu that create leverage and progress.
Choosing Joy:
- Sexton encourages individuals to find joy in their relationships, even when faced with challenges or betrayals.
- He believes that choosing joy and appreciating the good times can help overcome negative experiences.
The Complexity of Relationships:
- Sexton emphasizes that relationships are complex and cannot be simplified into categories of "good guys" and "bad guys."
- He acknowledges his role as a divorce lawyer representing both sides, which requires him to understand each person's perspective without assigning blame.
Radical Empathy:
- Sexton practices radical empathy by putting himself in his clients' shoes and understanding their stories from their point of view.
- He believes that true understanding comes from empathizing with all parties involved, including those who have made mistakes or caused harm.
Memory and Selective Recall:
- Sexton discusses how memory can be selective, highlighting positive moments while fading negative ones over time.
- He suggests actively choosing how we remember past relationships, focusing on the beautiful moments rather than dwelling on painful experiences.
Laughing at Love's Absurdity:
- Sexton finds love to be absurd and hilarious, comparing it to the humbling moment after finishing masturbating.
- He encourages laughter and not taking love too seriously, recognizing its inherent silliness.
Divorce Cases:
- People often try to pretend that their affair partner is just a friend, but this approach undermines their credibility.
- Some people are more honest about their extramarital affairs and own up to them during legal proceedings.
- Admitting fault or issues in the relationship can help take power out of accusations made by the other party.
Text Messages and Communication:
- Text messages can be used as evidence in divorce cases and can have a significant impact on how a person is perceived.
- Text messages should ideally be used for simple communication rather than substantive discussions or arguments.
- The permanence of text messages makes it important to think before sending emotionally charged texts.
Johnny Depp and Amber Heard Case:
- The public trial between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard showcased the flaws and dysfunction that can exist within relationships.
- Both parties had moments where their behavior looked awful, which led many to question why they stayed together in the first place.
Successful Relationships:
- Successful relationships require connection, affection, presence, mindfulness, and being able to balance individuality with shared experiences.
- Friendship is an essential component of successful romantic relationships, where there is trust, support, and mutual understanding.
Relationships with High Performers:
- High-performing individuals often have routines, discipline, focus, and specific preferences.
- Divorce can disrupt the control high performers are used to having over their lives.
- Financial success or fame does not guarantee an easy divorce process; divorces still require going through the emotional challenges regardless of wealth or status.
Cost of Divorce:
- The cost of a divorce can vary greatly depending on the complexity of the case and the willingness of both parties to negotiate.
- A simple uncontested divorce with minimal assets and no child custody issues can be relatively inexpensive, while high-conflict divorces involving extensive litigation can be quite costly.
- It is difficult to provide an exact range for the cost of a divorce as it depends on various factors such as legal fees, court costs, expert witnesses, and any additional services required.
Importance of Individual Development:
- Successful relationships often involve individuals who have developed their own sense of self outside of the relationship.
- Taking time for personal growth, maintaining individual interests and friendships, and fostering independence are important aspects in maintaining a healthy partnership.
Handling Conflict:
- Successful relationships require effective communication and conflict resolution skills.
- Couples should strive to address conflicts openly and honestly, focusing on finding solutions rather than placing blame or becoming defensive.
- Seeking professional help through therapy or counseling can be beneficial in learning constructive ways to handle conflict.
Maintaining Intimacy:
- Intimacy is an essential component of successful romantic relationships. This includes physical intimacy as well as emotional connection and vulnerability.
- Couples should prioritize spending quality time together, engaging in activities that foster closeness and understanding.
- Regularly expressing love, appreciation, and affection towards one another helps maintain intimacy within the relationship.
Building Trust:
- Trust is crucial in successful relationships. Both partners need to feel secure knowing that they can rely on each other emotionally and dependably.
- Honesty, transparency, and consistent follow-through on commitments are key elements in building trust.
- Open communication about needs, boundaries, and expectations helps establish a foundation of trust within the relationship.
Balancing Independence and Togetherness:
- Successful relationships find a balance between maintaining individuality and fostering a sense of togetherness.
- Each partner should have their own interests, hobbies, and personal goals outside of the relationship.
- At the same time, couples should prioritize quality time together, shared experiences, and mutual support.
Emotional Support:
- Being emotionally supportive is crucial in successful relationships.
- Partners should be there for each other during both good times and challenging moments, offering empathy, understanding, and validation.
- Active listening, showing compassion, and providing reassurance can strengthen emotional bonds.
Shared Values and Goals:
- Having shared values and common long-term goals helps create a strong foundation for a successful relationship.
- Couples should discuss their aspirations, dreams, and expectations for the future to ensure compatibility.
- Open communication about values such as trust, honesty, commitment, family or career aspirations promotes alignment in the relationship.
Flexibility and Adaptability:
- Successful relationships require flexibility and adaptability to navigate life's changes together.
- Partners should be willing to compromise when necessary and make adjustments to accommodate evolving circumstances.
- Embracing change with an open mind fosters growth individually and as a couple.
Continual Effort:
- Maintaining a successful relationship requires ongoing effort from both partners.
- Regularly expressing love, appreciation, gratitude, and respect strengthens the bond between individuals.
- Actively working on communication skills, problem-solving strategies, intimacy building techniques contributes to long-term relationship satisfaction.
Fighting in a Relationship:
- There is no set amount of fighting that is considered "okay" in a relationship
- It depends on the individuals and their preferences for conflict resolution
- Some couples may have frequent arguments but still maintain a healthy and strong connection
- The key is to ensure that fights are resolved in a respectful and constructive manner
- Disrespectful language, insults, degradation, or brutality towards one another should be avoided
Different Types of Infidelity:
- Soulmate infidelity: when someone believes they have found their true love outside of their current relationship
- Push out of the closet infidelity: occurs when someone who has been hiding their sexual orientation enters into a same-sex affair after being caught or deciding to come out
- Mistake infidelity: refers to impulsive actions or poor impulse control leading to an affair without any intention to hurt or betray the partner
Open Marriages:
- Open relationships can be attempted as a way to address dissatisfaction with one's sex life within the primary partnership
- However, open relationships can often lead to complications and misunderstandings if not approached carefully and with clear communication
- Novelty and excitement from new connections can sometimes overshadow the needs of the primary partner, creating tension and feelings of insecurity
Soulmates in Relationships:
- The idea of finding a soulmate who fulfills every aspect of one's life is unrealistic
- No person can be everything to their partner all the time, as imperfections are inevitable in any relationship
- Love is more about never wanting to disappoint or hurt each other intentionally rather than expecting perfection from one another
Resolving Fights in Relationships:
- Each couple has different ways of resolving conflicts based on their own dynamics and preferences
- Respectful communication, active listening, empathy, compromise, and understanding are important elements in resolving fights constructively
Jiu-Jitsu:
- The speaker started practicing martial arts at a young age and took up jiu-jitsu later in life.
- Jiu-jitsu provides a sense of connection and helps manage stress.
- The speaker has trained under different professors, including Lou Ventolaro and Marcelo Garcia.
- Jiu-jitsu teaches humility and the impossibility of perfecting it.
- There was a conflict between the speaker and Gordon Ryan in the past, but the speaker respects him as an athlete.
Divorce Law:
- Divorce lawyers often get a bad reputation because they are associated with unpleasant chapters in people's lives.
- Some divorce lawyers may amplify conflicts for financial gain, but good lawyers prioritize fair resolutions.
- Honesty is important in relationships, but there is a distinction between honesty and candor. It is not necessary to be completely candid about certain things.
- Financial issues can cause significant stress in relationships, which can lead to divorces. Different approaches to finances can create power dynamics within couples.
Productivity:
- The speaker wakes up naturally at 4 am every day and checks his phone for work emergencies.
- He works out for an hour, alternating between weights and cardio exercises.
- After working out, he uses a sauna or steam room followed by a cold plunge or shower.
- He has breakfast, usually following a slow-carb diet similar to Tim Ferriss' recommendations.
- His workday consists of drafting legal documents until court begins around 9:00 am. Court conferences can be exhausting due to their fast pace and constant focus on multiple cases.
Honesty in Relationships:
- Being honest is important, but being completely candid about certain topics can be indelicate or mean-spirited.
- There is value in rising above negativity when discussing ex-partners or difficult topics related to appearance or personal matters.
Gordon Ryan Conflict:
- The speaker has never met Gordon Ryan before.
- Gordon was online and made negative comments about someone the speaker sponsored.
- The speaker got upset and reached out to John and Tom DeBlass to ask them to tell Gordon to stop talking negatively about the person they sponsor.
- There was an exchange of obnoxious comments between the speaker and Gordon on Facebook.
- The speaker later felt gross about their behavior towards a young person like Gordon.
Love's Role in Human Condition:
- Love is everything, it plays a huge role in the human condition.
- Wars are fought for romantic love, empires fall because of romantic love.
- Love takes down kings, it's something that everyone is chasing after.
- Romantic love, sex, and romance are all interconnected and have a significant impact on individuals' lives.
- Many actions that people take can be traced back to their desire for love or attraction.
Relationships as Great Equalizers:
- Relationships and breakups are great equalizers among people regardless of their status or achievements.
- Even celebrities and successful individuals face similar issues in relationships such as infidelity, insecurities, fights, etc.
- Despite success in other areas of life, many people struggle with relationships due to various personal issues like intimacy problems or parental influences.
The Beauty and Messiness of Love:
- People continue pursuing love despite past failures or heartbreaks.
- Love is worth taking risks for even though there may be pain involved.
- It brings joy, satisfaction, growth, vulnerability, and connection into people's lives.
- Divorce can be seen as an opportunity for radical reinvention and growth rather than just a negative event.
Importance of Perspective in Divorce:
- The speaker emphasizes the importance of perspective when going through divorce.
- Regretting being with someone should be balanced by acknowledging the positive aspects that came from that relationship (e.g., children).
- Divorce can lead to blessings and unexpected positive outcomes.
- The speaker suggests using psychedelic experiences like psilocybin or MDMA as a potential transformative tool in divorce mediation, promoting empathy and connection.
Finding the Right Lid:
- It is important to let go of jealousy and bitterness when seeing an ex-partner find happiness with someone else.
- There is a lid for every pot, meaning there is a suitable partner out there for everyone.
- People should focus on finding the right match rather than forcing incompatible relationships.
Quote from Rumi:
- The podcast ends with a quote from Rumi about seeking love by removing barriers within oneself.