PodcastsThe Daily StoicDr. Becky Kennedy on the Stoic Art of Emotional Regulation (and Raising Great Kids)
Dr. Becky Kennedy on the Stoic Art of Emotional Regulation (and Raising Great Kids)
The Daily StoicFri Dec 15 2023
Stoic Philosophy and Emotional Regulation:
- Stoicism emphasizes focusing on what is within one's control, not external events, as a means of achieving inner tranquility.
- Dr. Becky Kennedy highlights the importance of emotional regulation as a foundational life skill, essential for dealing with frustration and adversity.
Parenting Approach and Emotional Vaccination:
- Dr. Becky introduces the concept of emotional vaccination, advocating for preparing oneself in advance for strong emotions or challenging situations.
- She underscores the significance of parents prioritizing their own emotional regulation before teaching their children how to manage theirs effectively.
- The idea aligns with the Stoic practice of premeditatio malorum, emphasizing proactive mental preparation for potential adversities.
Childhood Happiness vs Resilience:
- Dr. Becky contrasts childhood happiness with building resilience, cautioning that constantly aiming for immediate happiness may hinder a child's ability to cope with distress and setbacks later in life.
- Overemphasizing immediate happiness could lead to challenges in managing difficult emotions in adulthood despite seemingly idyllic childhoods focused solely on happiness.
- Her perspective stems from observations working with adults who struggled despite having apparently idealistic childhoods centered around constant pursuit of happiness.
Implications of Childhood Parenting Approaches:
- Dr. Becky emphasizes the impact of parenting approaches on a child's emotional development, stressing that constantly rescuing children from distress does not adequately prepare them for adult life challenges.
- She highlights the need for parents to provide opportunities for children to experience and navigate difficult emotions rather than shielding them from discomfort at every turn.
Parenting and Emotional Regulation:
- Children need to learn emotional regulation rather than being immediately redirected from distress to happiness.
- Parents should focus on helping children build the circuitry to tolerate stress and frustration, instead of seeking immediate ease or contentment.
- Dr. Becky Kennedy emphasizes the importance of teaching kids how to cope with distressing situations, fostering resilience and adaptability in the face of challenges.
Definition of Happiness:
- The ability to adjust, adapt, and accommodate situations outside one's control is a better definition of happiness.
- Acceptance plays a crucial role in achieving happiness by acknowledging that most things are beyond one's control.
- Ryan Holiday discusses the concept of happiness as not solely dependent on everything going as desired but rather on an individual's capacity to adjust and accommodate life's uncertainties.
Teaching Kids Coping Skills:
- Encouraging kids to figure out solutions when faced with challenges fosters sustainable happiness.
- It is essential for parents not to rescue their children from every difficult situation but rather guide them in developing problem-solving skills.
- Both speakers highlight the significance of instilling coping skills in children early on, preparing them for life's inevitable setbacks and difficulties.
Emotion Regulation as a Learned Skill:
- Emotion regulation cannot be taught intellectually; it must be absorbed through relational experiences.
- The absence of emotion regulation teaching across generations contributes to difficulties in absorbing such skills later in life.
- Dr. Becky Kennedy stresses that emotion regulation is learned through relationships and experiences, emphasizing its impact on both childhood development and adult functioning.
Continuous Learning and Improvement:
- Parenting, philosophy, therapy, and self-improvement are ongoing processes that require continuous learning, application, evaluation, and improvement.
- Journaling serves as an effective tool for reflecting on personal progress and maintaining a mindset focused on growth and development.
- Ryan Holiday underscores the iterative nature of learning in various aspects of life, highlighting the necessity for ongoing education and refinement.
Understanding Behavior vs. Identity:
- There is a significant distinction between behavior and identity: understanding this separation enables more empathetic interventions.
- Viewing challenging behaviors as signs of struggle and unmet needs allows for more effective responses than viewing them as reflections of intrinsic character flaws.
- Dr. Becky Kennedy advocates for recognizing children's good internal nature while addressing their problematic behaviors separately, promoting empathy-driven interventions.
Empathy Towards Children's Feelings:
- Recognizing that children experience feelings without fully comprehending them underscores the importance of guiding them through emotional processing.
- Creating space for curiosity about children's behaviors leads to interventions aimed at building emotional skills rather than simply reprimanding negative actions.
Parenting and Emotional Regulation:
- Children often struggle to understand complex situations, leading them to create explanations or coping strategies based on their limited understanding.
- Children experience adult-like problems and frustrations without having the necessary information, toolkit, or skills to handle them effectively.
- Empathy and understanding are essential in acknowledging that children's feelings are real and valid, even if their behavior is not approved.
- It's crucial for parents to acknowledge and validate their children's emotions while also maintaining boundaries and making decisions in the child's best interest.
Understanding Kids' Feelings:
- Acknowledging kids' feelings doesn't mean changing a decision; it means recognizing that they have genuine emotions about the situation.
- Parents need to teach kids how to deal with disappointment and upset by allowing them to feel their feelings rather than trying to avoid negative emotions altogether.
- Providing support during moments of distress helps bridge the gap between the virtual world (e.g., screen time) and reality, reducing emotional crashes.
Repairing Relationships with Kids:
- Repairing relationships with children is never too late; acknowledging past mistakes or addressing unresolved issues can lead to healing and improved connections.
- Validating children's experiences through repair offers an opportunity for deeper bonding and better understanding within parent-child relationships.