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#703: Sheila Heen — How to Master the Difficult Art of Receiving (and Giving) Feedback

The Tim Ferriss Show

Thu Nov 09 2023



Phone-a-friend:

  • Seeking support from a trusted friend to help process feedback in two directions: supportive mirror and honest mirror.
  • The supportive mirror aspect provides validation and comfort, helping the individual feel better about themselves after receiving difficult feedback. This mirrors are often used when emotionally triggered or upset by the feedback.
  • The honest mirror role entails aiding the individual in understanding what might be valid about the received feedback, even if it's challenging to accept. This serves as an opportunity for self-reflection and growth.

Evaluating feedback:

  • Feedback can trigger defensive reactions, making it challenging to see any validity in it. Seeking support from others allows for a more objective assessment of the feedback received.
  • Friends can provide valuable perspectives on both positive aspects of the feedback (supportive mirror) and potential areas for improvement (honest mirror).
  • Utilizing this approach can facilitate a more balanced understanding of received feedback, leading to personal growth and development.

Relationship assessment approach:

  • Efficiency-oriented dating approaches like presenting a one-pager with relationship expectations or setting time-bound commitments reflect an urgency in finding compatibility.
  • Such methods prioritize clear communication of expectations and goals upfront, potentially saving time by quickly identifying misalignments.
  • Engaging in intense shared experiences or conversations during initial phases could offer insights into how individuals handle stress, conflict, and compromise within relationships.

Feedback and Communication:

  • Emphasizes the importance of understanding each other's preferred methods of receiving feedback to foster a constructive environment for growth and improvement.
  • Discusses the significance of open communication and feedback in relationships, both personal and professional.

Navigating Conflict:

  • Highlights the challenges and dynamics of navigating conflicts within relationships, emphasizing the value of establishing boundaries and understanding individual triggers to manage conflicts effectively.
  • Explores the concept of self-awareness in recognizing one's strengths and weaknesses in providing affirmation or feedback.

Self-Awareness and Growth:

  • The conversation underscores the value of seeking continuous improvement by actively soliciting feedback from others as well as being receptive to coaching.
  • It emphasizes the significance of self-awareness in understanding one's strengths and areas for development, particularly in relation to giving words of affirmation or feedback.

Effective Feedback Techniques:

  • Introduces practical techniques for giving effective feedback, such as asking specific questions like "What's one thing?" to encourage open dialogue without overwhelming individuals with vague inquiries.

Leadership and Feedback:

  • Sheila Heen highlights the challenge of receiving feedback, pointing out that while giving feedback is a felt problem, individuals may not recognize the need to receive feedback.
  • She emphasizes transitioning from a push model of learning to a pull model, where leaders are curious about what others think they could improve.

Learning and Skill Acquisition:

  • Tim Ferriss shares his experience with skill acquisition, emphasizing the importance of eliciting specific information through well-thought-out questions as a learnable skill acquired through repetition and the right toolkit.
  • He points out that anyone can learn from anybody, even if they are not skilled givers of feedback, as long as they have the ability to hear and understand what is being communicated.

Seeking Feedback in Leadership Roles:

  • Sheila Heen advises leaders to actively seek feedback from those around them, encouraging them to ask persuasively and listen for recurring themes in order to identify areas for improvement.

Transferable Skills in Feedback:

  • Tim Ferriss describes developing skills related to eliciting constructive feedback as a meta-skill transferable across various contexts beyond professional environments.