Adam Grant Introduction:

  • Adam introduces Nedra Glover Tawwab, a therapist and New York Times bestselling author of "Drama Free" and "Set Boundaries, Find Peace".
  • Nedra is known for her work on boundaries and self-care.
  • Adam expresses his excitement to learn from Nedra and mentions that he has been sharing Nedra's content with others.

Nedra's Origin Story as a Therapist:

  • Nedra shares that she didn't realize it at the time, but she was becoming a therapist by listening to people talk when she was young.
  • She had an internship in grad school where she worked one-on-one with someone, and it made her realize that being a therapist was the work she was meant to do.
  • Nedra describes the satisfaction she feels when she sees lightbulbs go off in her clients' minds through asking probing questions and being a listener.

Interest in Boundaries:

  • Nedra mentions that she struggles with boundaries herself and has seen many people struggle with boundary issues in their lives.
  • She talks about how people often blame external factors such as work or social media for their problems instead of taking responsibility for their own boundaries.
  • Nedra believes that setting boundaries is an act of self-respect.

Favorite Strategies for Setting Boundaries:

  • One favorite strategy mentioned by Nedra is understanding that setting boundaries can be challenging in close relationships because it can be difficult to say hard things. It requires repeating oneself and adjusting boundaries based on what's happening with the other person.
  • She also emphasizes the importance of recognizing that boundaries are personal and should not be imposed on others. Each individual needs to set their own boundaries based on what makes them feel relaxed, free, and at ease.

Challenges Faced when Navigating Boundaries within Relationships:

  • A challenge discussed by both Adam and Nedra is expressing hard truths within close relationships without expecting immediate agreement or change.
  • Nedra shares her personal challenge of expecting others to immediately adhere to the boundary she sets, but recognizes that it's not always realistic. There may be a need for repeated communication and adjustment in response to the other person's behavior.
  • Adam talks about his recent realization of setting boundaries for himself instead of trying to control someone else's behavior. He mentions an example of his children's bedtime and how he had to establish a boundary for his own well-being.

Motivation to Stay Committed to Boundaries:

  • Nedra mentions that she reminds herself of the negative consequences when she has been flexible with boundaries in the past. For example, if she allows her children to stay up late, it leads to less rest for her and frustration.
  • She also highlights the importance of considering the benefits and drawbacks when deciding whether or not to stick to a boundary.

Factors Influencing Boundary Setting:

  • Both Adam and Nedra discuss factors like guilt tripping, societal expectations, and fear of rejection that often prevent people from setting boundaries.
  • They emphasize the need for open communication about boundaries without judgment or guilt-tripping.

Applying Personal Policies:

  • Adam shares his experience of creating personal rules as a way to protect himself against overwhelming requests. He sets criteria for book blurbs, specific response times, and prioritizes certain types of books based on their potential impact.
  • Nedra agrees that personal policies can be beneficial for mental health and well-being. They provide clarity and consistency in decision-making across various areas of life.

Navigating Conflicting Boundaries in Relationships:

  • The conversation explores scenarios where conflicting boundaries arise between individuals, such as co-workers in different time zones or couples with differing approaches towards resolving conflicts.
  • Nedra suggests compromise while considering whose boundary is more important or finding alternative methods of communication that can accommodate both parties' preferences.

Setting Boundaries Without Authority:

  • The discussion addresses situations where one feels powerless in asserting boundaries, such as when a boss consistently assigns tasks outside of regular working hours.
  • Nedra suggests upfront communication about boundaries to establish clear expectations and protocols. Proactively discussing vacation plans and establishing boundaries beforehand can also help in creating a healthy work-life balance.
  • Adam adds that it's important for those in positions of power to promote an environment that respects employees' boundaries, as psychological well-being enhances job performance.

Respecting Others' Boundaries:

  • Both Adam and Nedra stress the importance of respecting others' boundaries while not assuming what those boundaries are.
  • They discuss initiating conversations by asking each other about their own boundaries, which may lead to reciprocal sharing and understanding.
  • Acknowledging that everyone has different personalities and preferences when it comes to setting boundaries is essential.

Fear of Rejection and Asking for Help:

  • The conversation touches on individuals' fear of rejection when seeking help or asking for a favor.
  • Nedra emphasizes the need to process this fear through therapy or self-reflection to understand its roots before overcoming it.
  • Adam highlights how the fear of rejection can hinder people from making requests because they don't want to inconvenience or upset others.

Balancing Privacy with Communication:

  • The discussion explores the idea that not everything needs to be shared immediately within relationships. It's crucial to consider internal processing before communicating thoughts and feelings with others.
  • Nedra observes that overcommunication can strain relationships, suggesting the need for introspection and discernment before transparently expressing every thought or feeling.

Maintaining Calm:

  • Nedra recommends finding moments of quietude as a way to maintain calmness. Stepping away from noise, sitting quietly outdoors, listening to nature sounds, or engaging in activities like reading or puzzles aid in centering oneself.

Closing Thoughts on Boundaries:

  • The conversation ends by highlighting the significance of recognizing one's emotional responses as indicators for boundary-setting. Unpleasant emotions reveal areas where additional personal boundaries may be necessary.
  • Nedra stresses the importance of not expecting a magical solution or waiting for circumstances to change before implementing boundaries. In her view, setting and adhering to boundaries are crucial for personal well-being.

Closing Remarks:

  • Adam expresses gratitude for the conversation with Nedra, highlighting the positive impact she has on people through her work on boundaries.
  • He acknowledges the spillover effects of individuals learning about boundaries from Nedra and how it promotes respectful relationships and understanding of others' boundaries.